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The STD Words:
A Sobering Look at Safer Sex for
Lesbians and Bisexual Women
and I were watching the show, "Cashmere Mafia," which has four powerful
women as main characters, including one who is a lesbian coming out. The four
characters were sitting at a swank restaurant discussing Juliet Draper's husband's
affair with Cilla Grey. Juliet says: "I sure as hell don't want to end up
like one of those angry, drunken, WASPs in an Edward Albee Play"
Zoe Burden cuts in with "Did you see the one where the husband cheated
on the wife with a goat?"
To which Juliet replies "I would
rather it have been a goat than Cilla Grey. At least it would have saved me the
The first thing I thought about was that it has
long been speculated that Syphilis started when lonely shepherds got a bit too
familiar with members of their wooly flock, but then my mind went to the fact
that the character on "Cashmere Mafia" was actually talking about SAFER
This lead my brain to the biggest complaint Ive had about
many lesbian movies and popular shows like The L Word. No matter how
much finger-action, butt-munching, and lickity-splittin goes on, you never
see characters using Safer Sex practices, and many openly portray risky behaviors,
like having unprotected sex with both women and men.
Take the following
L Word Characters for example: Tina traipsing back into Straightdom
then hightailing it to Lesboworld after seeing her boyfriend clipping his toenails
in the living room; then theres bisexual Alice doing women and a man who
claims HE is a lesbian; and the sweet but totally sex-addicted Shane, who got-off
two sisters and THEIR MOTHER at the third sister's wedding!
get us wrong, Kathy and I LOVE The L Word, but graphic scenes of unsafe
sex totally give the wrong impression, especially to newly out lesbians who think
that there is no way women can catch sexually transmitted diseases from each other.
The fact is that lesbians can be infected with STDs by having unsafe sex
with other lesbians, or with bisexuals who have been exposed through semen; sharing
needles from IV drug use; piercing or tattooing without the proper sterilization
techniques; having unsafe sex with men prior to realizing they are lesbian; or
having unscreened artificial insemination and/or blood transfusions. Many STDs
are transmitted when blood, vaginal fluids (including menstruation), breast milk,
or semen from an infected person enters your body or bloodstream.
to protect yourself:
Before becoming intimate, its up to both partners
to ask each other the following question: in the past five years have you or your
partner, or ex-partners, participated in unsafe behaviors listed in the previous
paragraph? If so, you may want to have a general blood screening and an AIDS test.
Wait 3-6 months after your last risky behavior and have a second test. Ask your
health-care professional for the latest information on STDs including AIDS, and
find out the best way to protect both you and your partner from a potentially
Handy items for safer sex:
Latex gloves and
Finger Cots can be purchased at most drug and medical supply stores, and you can
also buy gloves in bulk at larger discount stores. These protective barriers are
essential to use if either partner has a cut or sore on her finger, hand, mouth,
vagina, or anus. These items are great for all kinds of activities, from clitoral
stimulation to vaginal or anal penetration. Make sure to change them between vaginal
and anal penetration, and also make sure your fingernails are not jagged, which
can snag and cut the latex or your partners skin. If your partner tends
to flood with love, then stick to the full latex glovesthey
Dental dams are five-inch square pieces of latex that can
be purchased at medical supply stores. Because unprotected oral sex is risky behavior,
dental dams of some kind are essential. You can place the whole square over your
partners genitals, holding it yourself, or have your partner hold the top
while you hold the bottom. Mark the dam with an ink pen to make sure you dont
use the wrong side if you happen to put it down, and throw away your dams after
one use. If you or your partner has trouble feeling stimulus through the barrier,
you can apply a water-based lubricant to the genital area beneath the dental dam.
Single-ply plastic wrap from the grocery store can also be used as a dental dam.
Make sure it is non-porous plastic wrap, not microwavable plastic wrap. Just remember,
like latex, plastic wrap can rip, so always be careful.
If you use dildos
or dildo shaped vibrators, then condoms are a good thing to use. Instead of having
to jump out of bed to wash shared toys, just carefully peel off the used condom
and slip on a new one. Always pinch the air out of the end before rolling it on,
because trapped air bubbles can cause a condom to break. You may also want to
use a water-based lubricant to reduce friction, which can also cause breakage.
If you are bisexual, use of lubricants with spermicidal agents can harm certain
Safe, Risky, and Unsafe Behaviors:
Some safe things
you can do with your partner are hugging; massaging her everywhere but there;
masturbation or watching her masturbate; phone sex; sharing fantasies; using vibrators
or sex toys, but not sharing them without washing or changing the condom; dry
kissing--no tonguing; or tribadism--rubbing your body on hers without vaginal
fluids, blood, or breast milk exchanged.
Risky Behaviors include:
French kissing, especially if you have a sore in your mouth or your gums bleed
after brushing or flossing. Make sure to wait 30 minutes before kissing your partner
if your gums bleed. Shared hand-to-genital contact with finger cots, gloves, or
dental dams can be risky if a tear occurs in the latex: Oral sex while using a
barrier can also be risky if the barrier moves or tears. Inserting your fist into
your partners vagina or rectum is always risky because of the pressure it
puts on vaginal or intestinal tissues. Also, exchanging sex toys without washing
them or using fresh condoms, any form of S&M or rough sex that involves piercing
or shaving, or any sort of bloodletting are very risky behaviors.
behaviors include: oral sex without a barrier; ingesting female fluids or
ejaculate; sharing dildos or vibrators without a condom or without changing condoms
in between users; licking the anal area without a dental dam or plastic wrap;
fisting; any kind of unprotected sex with a man including oral, vaginal, or anal
sex; sharing needles whether for drugs, piercing, or tattooing.
or alcohol use prior to or during sex can impair your judgment to the point of
not using safer sex practices. Passion is a wonderful thing, but not quite wonderful
enough to die for. Worldwide, millions of people have perished from STDs, especially
AIDS. Kathy and I personally knew over 20 people who died of AIDs, both men and
women, and we know lesbians who have contacted Chlamydia, Hepatitis B, Herpes,
and Genital Warts. Many STDs will stay in your body for the rest of your life,
so please be safe and dont become one of the statistics.
NOTE: The advice in this column is the opinion of the writers and is not intended
substitute for medical or psychological treatment from a health care