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Lesbian Bed Death Part 2

In the first part of this article, which ran two weeks ago, we looked at 'Lesbian Bed Death'. What it is, what can cause it, and that it isn’t just an issue affecting the Lesbian community. In Part II, we will look at what you can do if this LBD affects you and your partner.

Remember, if you are experiencing LBD and don’t have a problem with not having sex, this is not an issue you need to worry about. This article is for women in relationships where one partner may not want to have sex and the other does, or both partners want to bring sexual intimacy back into their lives, but are not sure how to bring back the magic.

As we wrote in our article: "The Amazing Shrinking Sex Drive," it is important to check with a medical doctor if your sex drive just mysteriously disappears.

If your issues with decreased libido stem from deeply held religious beliefs that resurface after limerence fades, the solution may be to seek out a church that is more affirming of who you are and learn to redefine your views of your sexual orientation in a church that embraces you. This can also help you come to terms with the disparity of what you may have learned growing up and what the doctrine is of churches that embrace the LGBT community. Metropolitan Community Church, First Unitarian Universalist, or Unity Church are just a few of the churches out there. Use your computer and Google for these, or other churches affirming to who you are.

The real and central solution for this problem is communication. Throw the term 'Lesbian Bed Death' away. This issue is a part of life, and as we said before, it can happen to a couple of any sexual orientation as they move into a long-term, live together, monogamous relationship. In order to solve this issue, it will take you and your partner talking openly and honestly about what is bothering you, what you want, like or don't like and what you’re willing to try or not try.

It may be that you need to throw out the ideas many of us have about sex. "Sex must be spontaneous," "I shouldn’t have to masturbate in a relationship," or "We both need to be in the mood at the same time," are some of the misperceptions we may have that keep our sex lives from being what we want.

It may not be romantic, but try scheduling a sex date and if you want go out on a romantic date first. It can take the pressure off knowing what the end result will be. It can also be a turn off to schedule sex; just don't totally dismiss it as an option. One way to look at it is, when you first got together you knew you were going to have sex when you got home and that was exciting. Give it a try and if it feels artificial, just keep on and see if something develops.

Masturbation can help increase your sex drive. Do it together, play with toys and experiment. While one partner masturbates, the other can be kissing and caressing her to add to the experience. The partner who doesn't feel in the mood can be the caresser. An inspiration to reach down and take over for the partner who is masturbating may turn into an extended love-in. Feeling how wet her girlfriend is may be the turn on that's needed.

You don't have to be in the mood at the same time. Let the one who is in the mood be the one who is the focus of the love making, which may get the one who’s not quite feeling it fired up and ready to go.

Explore each other's fantasies. Only do the fantasies you both agree to use. If one of you is uncomfortable with a fantasy, or with a new form of sex play, ensure that you let your partner know in a gentle and loving way that the fantasy or activity she wants to try is not for you, won't turn you on, etc. Don't pressure each other into something one of you is not comfortable with. This can cause resentment and create trust issues. These issues will in turn be tied to issues about sex.

A few other methods of spicing things up can be to read or watch porn together; write something nice and descriptive to your partner that you would love to do to her and hide it where she'll find it; make up a story about a wild sexual encounter between the two of you that never happened and tell it to her; have sex in different locations; act like you are having a torrid affair by sneaking off to a motel room; film yourself having sex together and watch it later; film yourself masturbating for your girlfriend and show it to her; dress up for each other; wear something sexy to bed for each other; write romantic love notes and hide them in places where she is sure to find them; send flowers to work with secret messages only the two of you can interpret. Basically, start courting each other again.

If you do masturbate regularly, stop for a while and see if you become more willing to let your partner do it for you. Give your partner a backrub or a foot massage but don't always expect a sexual pay off for these activities, just do it to do it. Any touching or massage will increase your intimacy and it may also turn on your partner.
When you are making love together, don't put pressure on yourselves to orgasm at the same time, if that is your goal or belief. Just enjoy the sensations; orgasms don't have to be the end result of any sexual activity. Draw foreplay out, over days if necessary. Take turns making one or the other of you the focus of your time together.

Some find polyamory, threesomes, or an open relationship, a solution for their waning love life. Make sure you are using safer sex practices and have set rules and boundaries you both agree to if you go this route, including canceling the experiment at any time up to or during the act itself. Issues of jealousy and fear can raise their ugly heads, so don't agree to opening your relationship up to others unless you feel that you are capable of handling all the emotions that go along with this.

The types of solutions depend on the women involved. I've known some who could handle it and some who thought they could but became jealous. And I've known some whose relationships were torn apart by this kind of experimentation. Always leave it an option to revisit the agreement about this type of solution if either of you starts to have second thoughts. If one of you isn't comfortable, you can go back to a monogamous relationship but it may be hard to do after experiencing the thrill of other sex partners. If you feel you want to explore this option with a therapist first, look for one who is open to counseling alternative lifestyles.

Always remember that what may work for one partner may not work for the other. What may work one time may not another. Be patient with each other and give yourselves time to work sex into your life. If one thing doesn't work, try something else. If that doesn't work go to the next thing on the list.

The advice in this column is the opinion of the writers and is not intended as a
substitute for medical or psychological treatment from a health care professional.

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