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Affairs and the Lesbian Soul Mate Fantasy
and I have a friend, well call her Carrie, who was having trouble with her
relationship. She and her female partner had been together for almost seven years,
and were raising two children. The stress of both of them working full-time and
raising two kids had taken a toll on their intimacy, and it seemed the dreaded
Seven Year Itch was starting to raise its ugly head. On top of this
problematic situation, a new woman had come into Carries life, and she was
infatuated with her.
Carrie told us that this woman she worked
with was really hot, and that the two of them fit each others
personalities perfectly, but there were other things that she was saying that
had both Kathy and me worried. It was becoming very obvious to us that her new
coworker, whom Kathy and I nicknamed The Viper-Babe, was out for some
quick laughs at the expense of both Carrie and her partners life together.
Like so many women in long-term relationships, Carrie had come to a crossroads,
and she was truly struggling with what she should do. She was so turned on by
this woman at work, that she wanted to cheat on her partner. She really thought
that Viper-Babe was her soul mate, ready to meet each and every need Carrie had.
We could plainly see the plane crash that was getting ready to happen, and that
Carries hormones were leading her to disaster, but Carrie couldnt
see this at all.
Since we have known many women going through similar
situations, Kathy and I thought wed share some of the advice we gave to
Carrie in hopes that it will help anyone who is facing the breakup of a long-term
relationship over a Lesbian Soul Mate Fantasy.
Kathy and I know that you are hurting over this situation. We
just wanted to say that you could look forever for someone who will fit your personality
perfectly, but you probably won't be able to find perfection in any relationship
with another person. The grass may always look greener on the other side, but
most times it's not, and you may end up always looking for something you can never
From what you have described, it sounds like you are going for
the possibility of finding your soul mate, which many times stems from the fairy-tale
idea society puts on us from the time we are little babies: that there is some
person in the world who will fill our every need and want, which is pretty much
a big line of BS, but we sure can't fault you for that.
It is up to you
to be happy in your life, but there are no guarantees that leaving the relationship
you are in now for another will amount to something even better. There is also
no guarantee that after a few years, months, weeks, or even days, this new relationship
that you gave up everything for will become what you are visualizing in your mind.
Hot, steamy, sex is great for a while, but once that is done there may not be
anything else left to this affair between you and your coworker.
is also the fact that it is never good to get into a sexual relationship with
someone you work with. One or both of you could end up loosing your jobssomething
else to think really hard about, especially in this economy.
I will tell
you that if you leave your current partner for your coworker, there will be a
lot of bad feelings around this coming from your ex, and a lot of guilt in the
back of your mind for doing this to someone who loved you, made a life with you,
and helped you raise your kids. More than likely there will also be the little
question in the back of both you and your new GF's mind: "Will she also cheat
on me later on down the road?" because when you begin a relationship with
an affair, you are essentially giving your partner permission to do the same thing
to you in the future.
None of these things are a good way to start a
brand new relationship, and many relationships that start out with this type of
lying and chaos end in the same way.
Our advice to you is that if you
are not happy with the relationship you are in now, then get out of it. Live on
your own for a while, and see where this other thing goes. Cut your losses, but
know that you may never be able to go back to your partner you are with now once
this has happened. Even if you could go back, she will never trust you in the
same way. IT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME, and there are no guarantees that you will
ever be any happier than you are right now. Here's an idea for you: what if you
took all this energy you have towards thinking about someone else, and put it
towards making the relationship you are in now better? What if you decided that
you would give your partner of seven years a fair shot before you throw in the
towel? What if you went to a really good relationship counselor, and learned how
to communicate better so that whatever you think is lacking in your relationship
could be resolved?
Something you could do is to only concentrate on the
good qualities about your current partner. If a bad memory comes up for you, then
quickly put a good memory in your mind instead. Concentrate on only the things
you love about her, and your feelings about her may change for the best. You could
think about how it was when you all first got together, sentimental cards and
notes she has written you, or precious times you have had with each other.
I've found if you concentrate on the good things about people, you will get
more of those good things you are thinking about. If you concentrate on only the
bad things about a person, then you will get more of that back.
to really think about is that you still have a good sensual life with a partner
who loves you for who you are. This woman pulls her weight financially and domestically.
She is also an excellent co-mother to your kids. To me, the day-to-day love of
a good woman, who is there for you through thick and thin, is better than the
craziness of the Lesbian Soul Mate fantasy that may never be what you think it
is going to be
may be wondering, What happened to Carrie? She thought hard about
what we had suggested, mentioned her concerns to the Viper-Babe at her work, who
suddenly decided that she wanted nothing more to do with Carrie and her kids.
The woman quit, and Carrie went into relationship counseling with her long-term
partner. They just happily celebrated their 12th anniversary.
NOTE: The advice in this column is the opinion of the writers and is not intended
substitute for medical or psychological treatment from a health care