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Affairs and the Lesbian Soul Mate Fantasy

Kathy and I have a friend, we’ll call her Carrie, who was having trouble with her relationship. She and her female partner had been together for almost seven years, and were raising two children. The stress of both of them working full-time and raising two kids had taken a toll on their intimacy, and it seemed the dreaded “Seven Year Itch” was starting to raise its ugly head. On top of this problematic situation, a new woman had come into Carrie’s life, and she was totally
infatuated with her.

Carrie told us that this woman she worked with was “really hot,” and that the two of them fit each other’s personalities perfectly, but there were other things that she was saying that had both Kathy and me worried. It was becoming very obvious to us that her new coworker, whom Kathy and I nicknamed “The Viper-Babe,” was out for some quick laughs at the expense of both Carrie and her partner’s life together.

Like so many women in long-term relationships, Carrie had come to a crossroads, and she was truly struggling with what she should do. She was so turned on by this woman at work, that she wanted to cheat on her partner. She really thought that Viper-Babe was her soul mate, ready to meet each and every need Carrie had. We could plainly see the plane crash that was getting ready to happen, and that Carrie’s hormones were leading her to disaster, but Carrie couldn’t see this at all.

Since we have known many women going through similar situations, Kathy and I thought we’d share some of the advice we gave to Carrie in hopes that it will help anyone who is facing the breakup of a long-term relationship over a Lesbian Soul Mate Fantasy.
Dear Carrie,

Kathy and I know that you are hurting over this situation. We just wanted to say that you could look forever for someone who will fit your personality perfectly, but you probably won't be able to find perfection in any relationship with another person. The grass may always look greener on the other side, but most times it's not, and you may end up always looking for something you can never find.

From what you have described, it sounds like you are going for the possibility of finding your soul mate, which many times stems from the fairy-tale idea society puts on us from the time we are little babies: that there is some person in the world who will fill our every need and want, which is pretty much a big line of BS, but we sure can't fault you for that.

It is up to you to be happy in your life, but there are no guarantees that leaving the relationship you are in now for another will amount to something even better. There is also no guarantee that after a few years, months, weeks, or even days, this new relationship that you gave up everything for will become what you are visualizing in your mind. Hot, steamy, sex is great for a while, but once that is done there may not be anything else left to this affair between you and your coworker.

There is also the fact that it is never good to get into a sexual relationship with someone you work with. One or both of you could end up loosing your jobs—something else to think really hard about, especially in this economy.

I will tell you that if you leave your current partner for your coworker, there will be a lot of bad feelings around this coming from your ex, and a lot of guilt in the back of your mind for doing this to someone who loved you, made a life with you, and helped you raise your kids. More than likely there will also be the little question in the back of both you and your new GF's mind: "Will she also cheat on me later on down the road?" because when you begin a relationship with an affair, you are essentially giving your partner permission to do the same thing to you in the future.

None of these things are a good way to start a brand new relationship, and many relationships that start out with this type of lying and chaos end in the same way.

Our advice to you is that if you are not happy with the relationship you are in now, then get out of it. Live on your own for a while, and see where this other thing goes. Cut your losses, but know that you may never be able to go back to your partner you are with now once this has happened. Even if you could go back, she will never trust you in the same way. IT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME, and there are no guarantees that you will ever be any happier than you are right now. Here's an idea for you: what if you took all this energy you have towards thinking about someone else, and put it towards making the relationship you are in now better? What if you decided that you would give your partner of seven years a fair shot before you throw in the towel? What if you went to a really good relationship counselor, and learned how to communicate better so that whatever you think is lacking in your relationship could be resolved?

Something you could do is to only concentrate on the good qualities about your current partner. If a bad memory comes up for you, then quickly put a good memory in your mind instead. Concentrate on only the things you love about her, and your feelings about her may change for the best. You could think about how it was when you all first got together, sentimental cards and notes she has written you, or precious times you have had with each other.

I've found if you concentrate on the good things about people, you will get more of those good things you are thinking about. If you concentrate on only the bad things about a person, then you will get more of that back.

One thing to really think about is that you still have a good sensual life with a partner who loves you for who you are. This woman pulls her weight financially and domestically. She is also an excellent co-mother to your kids. To me, the day-to-day love of a good woman, who is there for you through thick and thin, is better than the craziness of the Lesbian Soul Mate fantasy that may never be what you think it is going to be…
You may be wondering, “What happened to Carrie?” She thought hard about what we had suggested, mentioned her concerns to the Viper-Babe at her work, who suddenly decided that she wanted nothing more to do with Carrie and her kids. The woman quit, and Carrie went into relationship counseling with her long-term partner. They just happily celebrated their 12th anniversary.

The advice in this column is the opinion of the writers and is not intended as a
substitute for medical or psychological treatment from a health care professional.

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