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Introduction to BDSM For Women
while back, a guy tried to join one of our Regional Networking groups. He was
a Sub (Submissive), and wanted a lesbian Domme (Dominant). He didn't want any
kind of sexual activity, just wanted a lesbian to rule him with a leather fist.
He promised he would do whatever I wanted him to do, so I asked him if he would
mow our yard, which has an 85 degree slope that's over 8 foot tall, and clean
our litter boxes--all four of them. He replied "I will do anything you ask
me to do, Mistress Tracey, ANYTHING!"
I really had to think on
this, because I hate doing our yard, and the cat boxes can be quite an assault
to your senses. But then I could just imagine what our straight neighbors would
think with this unknown guy mowing our yard, and Kathy and I running around in
leather with riding crops whacking him on the butt. He lived on the other side
of the state, so even if I'd agreed, it wasn't an option.
I've got two
friends who are into BDSM; one female and one male. The female has had several
submissive women do house chores for her--my friend is a very powerful Domme (Dominatrix)
and has a very clean house.
My male friend is into shoes, socks, stockings,
and feet, which is considered a fetish. He dates a woman who has a management
job, and he is a sensitive artist type. They totally switch roles in their relationship,
and they love it.
Both of my friends have agreed that the most important
thing to know about BDSM is that it is not about abuse. Abuse is about using fear
to control someone else, and can come in many forms, including physical, emotional,
and sexual. If you are having any of these issues in your life, make sure to read
Life: Domestic Abuse in Lesbian Relationships."
like to switch from their daily lives, and become something new and different
in their sensual lives. Like a person who has a high-powered job may enjoy someone
else telling her what to do for a while; or someone who has always been rather
meek may enjoy playing the aggressor. BDSM is a way for couples to explore their
own fantasies and sexuality in ways that are safe. It is best practiced by people
who are in a caring, supportive relationship where each partner trusts the other.
Many couples may practice mild forms of BDSM and not even know it. These
can include spanking, blindfolding, or tying each other up. The thing to be careful
of when doing any of these activities, is to make sure both you and your partner
discuss what you may like to do before doing it, and any ideas of problems that
may arise from the activity.
I had friends who thought theyd like
to tie each other up. They decided the meeker of the two would tie up her more
dominate partner. The only problem was that the meeker person had very bad childhood
abuse issues. Once her partner was securely tied, spread-eagle and naked on the
motel bed, her girlfriend had a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder episode. She locked
herself in the bathroom, and had a full-blown panic attack that lasted several
hours! The whole time her poor partner was tied and could not get loose to help
her. This event resulted in the two of them never using any form of BDSM again,
and it took quite a bit of time to work through the pain this event caused to
each of them..
A common phrase used by people who practice BDSM is Safe,
Sane and Consensual. This means that all activities are consented upon only
after discussion and negotiation. Part of the negotiation will be ways to say
no, and also words to use to stop the activity.
The Meaning of BDSM:
BDSM is an acronym for three pairs of words: Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission,
Bondage/Discipline: The word Bondage refers to ways
you can restrain your partner, such as tying, handcuffing, chaining, or gaging.
There are many ways to go about Bondage, Ive even seen it look almost like
artwork, using the female body wrapped in clear plastic wrap with beautiful flowers
layered within. Discipline can be any form of punishment such as verbal, chastising
someone, or it can be physical, such as paddling, spanking, or caning,
Dominance/Submission: The word Dominance refers to one partner being controlling,
and submission usually refers to the other partner serving the needs or desire
of her dominate partner.
Sadism/Masochism: Sadism is defined as an intentional
infliction of pain or humiliation which brings on arousal and sexual excitement.
Masochism means getting sexually aroused from being hurt or humiliated.
If youd like to try mild BDSM in your relationship, here are ten helpful
tips to get you safely started:
Practice BDSM only with a trusted partner, and when both of you are in a positive
frame of mind. Practicing BDSM while having anger at a partner is never safe for
2. Always discuss your activities ahead of time. This
includes safer sex issues, emotional or physical limitations, degrees of bondage,
and what is OK and what is not as far as sexual behaviors.
not practice BDSM when you are under the influence of drugs or alcohol. If you
cant drive you should never practice any form of BDSM.
yourself in your partners shoes. Its always best to test new things
on yourself in the safest way possible. Clamps, whips, paddles, and floggers can
be tested on yourself, although always keep in mind that everyone has a different
pain tolerance. Testing things on yourself is great for everything besides bondage.
It is never totally safe to practice bondage alone. Many unintentional deaths
have been caused by solo sexual gratification activities involving some form of
5. If you are going to use spanking with your partner,
always start out lightly and build slowly. The person being spanked can use the
1 to 10 method to tell her partner at what intensity she would like
the spanking to be: 1 is feather light, and 10 is a hard-core
6. If you use toys for spanking or whipping, they should
be as safe as possible with no sharp edges. It is safer to only use paddles, or
any implement that is hard, like a leather bondage slapper, in the more muscled
or fatty areas, such as the lower buttocks. More pliable tools such as whips,
crops, and floggers can be used on on most parts of the body. NEVER strike you
partner over her kidneys, spleen, liver, tailbone, or around her head and neck
as this can cause permanent damage, or be fatal!
7. If youd
like to incorporate hot wax into your activities, only use soft paraffin candles.
Harder candles have a much higher melting point and can cause blisters or burns.
8. Wooden clothespins and clamps found in office supply stores can
work well as erotic clamps. Clamping does tend to shut off blood circulation,
so be very careful using them. Most experts say that any clamp placed on a human
body should only be left for a couple of minutes. This depends on the strength
of the clamp and where it is placed, so use caution.
has its own set of rules. Any form of bondage should be performed only with extreme
caution, and only after you have practiced with your partner in at least two other
BDSM activities. Never tie a person so tight that blood circulation is cut off
in any way. Never leave a bound person alone, especially if you are using a gag.
Gags can accidentally choke a person to death in a matter of minutes. You should
always be able to free someone bound within one minute.
at least one or two Safe Words. Some people use the colors of a traffic signal:
Green, Yellow, or Red to tell their partner if things are OK, or getting a little
overwhelming, or if the activity needs to STOP If a person is gagged, sometimes
an agreed upon gesture, like a double hand squeeze, can tell your partner to stop.
your BDSM session, have a time set up where you can discuss it together. Be open
about what did or did not work for you, so that the next time your play can be
NOTE: The advice in this column is the opinion of the writers and is not intended
substitute for medical or psychological treatment from a health care