Introduction to BDSM for women Bondage Dominance Submission

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Introduction to BDSM For Women

A while back, a guy tried to join one of our Regional Networking groups. He was a Sub (Submissive), and wanted a lesbian Domme (Dominant). He didn't want any kind of sexual activity, just wanted a lesbian to rule him with a leather fist. He promised he would do whatever I wanted him to do, so I asked him if he would mow our yard, which has an 85 degree slope that's over 8 foot tall, and clean our litter boxes--all four of them. He replied "I will do anything you ask me to do, Mistress Tracey, ANYTHING!"

I really had to think on this, because I hate doing our yard, and the cat boxes can be quite an assault to your senses. But then I could just imagine what our straight neighbors would think with this unknown guy mowing our yard, and Kathy and I running around in leather with riding crops whacking him on the butt. He lived on the other side of the state, so even if I'd agreed, it wasn't an option.

I've got two friends who are into BDSM; one female and one male. The female has had several submissive women do house chores for her--my friend is a very powerful Domme (Dominatrix) and has a very clean house.

My male friend is into shoes, socks, stockings, and feet, which is considered a fetish. He dates a woman who has a management job, and he is a sensitive artist type. They totally switch roles in their relationship, and they love it.

Both of my friends have agreed that the most important thing to know about BDSM is that it is not about abuse. Abuse is about using fear to control someone else, and can come in many forms, including physical, emotional, and sexual. If you are having any of these issues in your life, make sure to read our article:

"A Hidden Life: Domestic Abuse in Lesbian Relationships."

Many people like to switch from their daily lives, and become something new and different in their sensual lives. Like a person who has a high-powered job may enjoy someone else telling her what to do for a while; or someone who has always been rather meek may enjoy playing the aggressor. BDSM is a way for couples to explore their own fantasies and sexuality in ways that are safe. It is best practiced by people who are in a caring, supportive relationship where each partner trusts the other.

Many couples may practice mild forms of BDSM and not even know it. These can include spanking, blindfolding, or tying each other up. The thing to be careful of when doing any of these activities, is to make sure both you and your partner discuss what you may like to do before doing it, and any ideas of problems that may arise from the activity.

I had friends who thought they’d like to tie each other up. They decided the meeker of the two would tie up her more dominate partner. The only problem was that the meeker person had very bad childhood abuse issues. Once her partner was securely tied, spread-eagle and naked on the motel bed, her girlfriend had a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder episode. She locked herself in the bathroom, and had a full-blown panic attack that lasted several hours! The whole time her poor partner was tied and could not get loose to help her. This event resulted in the two of them never using any form of BDSM again, and it took quite a bit of time to work through the pain this event caused to each of them..

A common phrase used by people who practice BDSM is “Safe, Sane and Consensual.” This means that all activities are consented upon only after discussion and negotiation. Part of the negotiation will be ways to say no, and also words to use to stop the activity.

The Meaning of BDSM:
BDSM is an acronym for three pairs of words: Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism.

Bondage/Discipline: The word Bondage refers to ways you can restrain your partner, such as tying, handcuffing, chaining, or gaging. There are many ways to go about Bondage, I’ve even seen it look almost like artwork, using the female body wrapped in clear plastic wrap with beautiful flowers layered within. Discipline can be any form of punishment such as verbal, chastising someone, or it can be physical, such as paddling, spanking, or caning,

Dominance/Submission: The word Dominance refers to one partner being controlling, and submission usually refers to the other partner serving the needs or desire of her dominate partner.

Sadism/Masochism: Sadism is defined as an intentional infliction of pain or humiliation which brings on arousal and sexual excitement. Masochism means getting sexually aroused from being hurt or humiliated.

If you’d like to try mild BDSM in your relationship, here are ten helpful tips to get you safely started:

1. Practice BDSM only with a trusted partner, and when both of you are in a positive frame of mind. Practicing BDSM while having anger at a partner is never safe for anyone.

2. Always discuss your activities ahead of time. This includes safer sex issues, emotional or physical limitations, degrees of bondage, and what is OK and what is not as far as sexual behaviors.

3. Do not practice BDSM when you are under the influence of drugs or alcohol. If you can’t drive you should never practice any form of BDSM.

4. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes. It’s always best to test new things on yourself in the safest way possible. Clamps, whips, paddles, and floggers can be tested on yourself, although always keep in mind that everyone has a different pain tolerance. Testing things on yourself is great for everything besides bondage. It is never totally safe to practice bondage alone. Many unintentional deaths have been caused by solo sexual gratification activities involving some form of bondage.

5. If you are going to use spanking with your partner, always start out lightly and build slowly. The person being spanked can use the “1 to 10” method to tell her partner at what intensity she would like the spanking to be: “1” is feather light, and “10” is a hard-core stroke.

6. If you use toys for spanking or whipping, they should be as safe as possible with no sharp edges. It is safer to only use paddles, or any implement that is hard, like a leather bondage slapper, in the more muscled or fatty areas, such as the lower buttocks. More pliable tools such as whips, crops, and floggers can be used on on most parts of the body. NEVER strike you partner over her kidneys, spleen, liver, tailbone, or around her head and neck as this can cause permanent damage, or be fatal!

7. If you’d like to incorporate hot wax into your activities, only use soft paraffin candles. Harder candles have a much higher melting point and can cause blisters or burns.

8. Wooden clothespins and clamps found in office supply stores can work well as erotic clamps. Clamping does tend to shut off blood circulation, so be very careful using them. Most experts say that any clamp placed on a human body should only be left for a couple of minutes. This depends on the strength of the clamp and where it is placed, so use caution.

9. Bondage has its own set of rules. Any form of bondage should be performed only with extreme caution, and only after you have practiced with your partner in at least two other BDSM activities. Never tie a person so tight that blood circulation is cut off in any way. Never leave a bound person alone, especially if you are using a gag. Gags can accidentally choke a person to death in a matter of minutes. You should always be able to free someone bound within one minute.

10. Have at least one or two Safe Words. Some people use the colors of a traffic signal: Green, Yellow, or Red to tell their partner if things are OK, or getting a little overwhelming, or if the activity needs to STOP If a person is gagged, sometimes an agreed upon gesture, like a double hand squeeze, can tell your partner to stop.

After your BDSM session, have a time set up where you can discuss it together. Be open about what did or did not work for you, so that the next time your play can be even better!

Tracey Stevens and Cathy Wonder are the co-authors of
“How To Be A Happy Lesbian: A Coming Out Guide”
“Coming Out Advice for Lesbian and Bisexual Women"
“Relationship Advice for Lesbian and Bisexual Women"
“Lesbian Sex Tips: A Guide for Anyone Who Wants
To Bring Pleasure to the Woman She (Or He) Loves”
“Sex tips para lesbianas/ Sex tips for lesbians" (Spanish Edition)
“The Lesbian Big O: Over 100 Sensual Illustrations"

Their website, www.AmazingDreamsPublishing.com,
provides more than 1,500 free community services for
lesbian and bisexual women worldwide.

Contact Tracey and Kathy at
www.amazingdreamspublishing.com/contact.html

NOTE: The advice in this column is the opinion of the writers and is not intended as a
substitute for medical or psychological treatment from a health care professional.

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