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| The
Naked Truth Article appeared in LesbianNation Magazine  A Hidden Life: Domestic Partner Abuse in Lesbian Relationships Kathy
and I have a dear friend, whom I'll call Sarah. Sarah was living in an abusive
situation with her lesbian partner, but she did not see anything her partner was
doing as abuse. Like so many people, Sarah thought abuse was only when someone
beats you up. For my job at the time, I was designing a display showing the symptoms of different types of spousal abuse. I found that there were many things listed that Sarah was going through in her relationship, and I thought this might be a good thing for her to see. I showed the display to Sarah and asked her if any of the symptoms seemed familiar. She slowly nodded and as her finger touched each area of abuse she'd been living with for years, tears welled in her eyes. This was very hard for Sarah to see, it was hard on me to show it to her, but what was harder was seeing her life slowly ebbing away in the waves of her partner's abuse. The good news is that even though this was a very difficult situation, within a few short months, Sarah was buying her own house, and taking back control of her life. Sarah learned the symptoms of abuse, and now she knows what to look out for in her own life so that she never falls into that trap again. Keep in mind that when women are physically, mentally, or sexually abused as children, these patterns tend to resurface as abuse in adult relationships. If you know anyone like Sarah, living with abuse, please talk to her; even show her this article. If you are living with abuse, please get help. Life is too short to live one moment in abuse and it is up to us to know the signs. Abuse in a lesbian relationship can be defined as any behavior your partner uses to control you, which causes physical, sexual and/or psychological damage, or causes you to live in fear. Emotional Abuse This abuse is where your partner makes you feel bad about yourself to your face or in front of other people. She may play mind games to make you think it is your problem or tell you that you are crazy or stupid. She may encourage self-hatred about being lesbian or force you to be closeted. She may use blackmail to control you, treat you like a servant, or threaten murder or suicide so that you are too afraid for your own life, or hers, to make a change. Isolation When an abuser uses isolation, she is controlling what you do, who you see and talk to, or where you go. She may not allow you to be involved in the lesbian community, and she may sabotage your friendships. The abusive partner may use jealousy to justify her actions. Intimidation and Threats This kind of abuse usually begins at home, but as your abuser gains confidence she may do some of the following in public situations: using looks, actions, or gestures to make you afraid; driving dangerously when you are in the car; destroying your possessions; abusing pets or children; buying weapons; or threatening to "out you" to coworkers, friends or family. Physical Abuse This can include pushing, biting, hitting, punching, using a weapon, or forcing you to participate in sex. If you try to flee, your abuser may attempt to confine you. If you are injured, your abuser may prevent you from going to a doctor, or she may control your food or medication. If you are severely injured, your abuser may take you to a hospital, but threaten you with further abuse if you do not lie about what happened. She may say she is directly related to you, and accompany you to the examining room. She may speak for you and not allow you to be alone with a health-care practitioner. Sexual Abuse Sexual abuse can take many forms, but generally it is defined as any sexual activity that is unwanted or coerced. Also included are nondisclosure of STD/HIV status; unwanted sexually derogatory name calling; accusations of you wanting to have or having sex with other women; or your abuser may threaten to have sex with others. Using Children If you have children from a previous relationship, your abuser may use them to control you by threatening to expose your relationship so that your children are taken away; telling your children bad things about you; making sarcastic remarks about your parenting abilities; or refusing to allow you to see your children if you don’t have full custody. Economic Abuse When an abuser controls you economically she may prevent you from keeping a job outside the home, and demand that you ask for money or an allowance from her. If you are allowed to work, she may take your income. She may not allow you to participate in financial decisions within the partnership. She may threaten to "out you" at work so that you lose your job and are financially dependent upon her. How You May Feel If you are in an abusive relationship, you may be ashamed to tell anyone. This is especially bad if your friends or family do not know you are lesbian, which can escalate the feelings of depression, humiliation, and increased isolation. Many abused women blame themselves, thinking that they have failed the relationship in some way. They may feel guilty or scared to leave their partner. Many hold on to the hope that their partner will change. This is often reinforced with apologies after the abuse has taken place like "I swear it will never happen again, please don't leave me." When the abuse happens again, it sets up a pattern where the abuser knows she has gotten away with it one time, so she thinks she can do it again. . Things You Can Do The most important thing you can do is pay attention to how you feel. If you are in a new relationship and you find a pattern of abuse developing, call or go to your local spouse abuse shelter, a counselor, or a friend. You can also do research at the library or on the Internet to verify your feelings. It may or may not be safe to discuss the abuse with your partner to try to get help together. Consulting a counselor who is certified to give professional help and advice is the safest option. Removing yourself immediately from your abuser’s presence by staying with friends, family or at a shelter is the best answer (even if she is living in your home); and do not tell your abuser where you are. Any attempt at reconciliation and changing of a relationship with a partner who has been abusive should be done in the presence of a professional counselor. No matter how much you believe your partner when she says she will change, or how wonderful she acts towards you for any length of time, abusers almost always return to patterns of abuse if they do not receive professional help in dealing with the underlying issues that are fueling their actions. If you don’t feel it is safe to go to your family or friends (or your abuser has caused you to become separated from them), call your local spouse abuse shelter and ask for help and a place to stay. Most shelters have safe houses. Some admit people who have only experienced physical abuse and some will take you in if you have experienced verbal abuse. Shelter staff can help with counseling, community resources, legal advice and assistance in filing a restraining order or criminal charges if necessary. The
most important thing you can do is pay attention to how you feel. If you are in
a new relationship and you find a pattern of abuse developing, call or go to your
local spouse abuse shelter, a counselor, or a friend. You can also do research
at the library or on the Internet to verify your feelings. It may or may not be safe to discuss the abuse with your partner to try to get help together. Consulting a counselor who is certified to give professional help and advice is the safest option. Removing yourself immediately from your abuser’s presence by staying with friends, family or at a shelter is the best answer (even if she is living in your home); and do not tell your abuser where you are. Any attempt at reconciliation and changing of a relationship with a partner who has been abusive should be done in the presence of a professional counselor. No matter how much you believe your partner when she says she will change, or how wonderful she acts towards you for any length of time, abusers almost always return to patterns of abuse if they do not receive professional help in dealing with the underlying issues that are fueling their actions. If you don’t feel it is safe to go to your family or friends (or your abuser has caused you to become separated from them), call your local spouse abuse shelter and ask for help and a place to stay. Most shelters have safe houses. Some admit people who have only experienced physical abuse and some will take you in if you have experienced verbal abuse. Shelter staff can help with counseling, community resources, legal advice and assistance in filing a restraining order or criminal charges if necessary. Your life is up to you. Take back your power now, and you can become the incredible woman you are meant to be. Tracey
Stevens and Cathy Wonder are the co-authors of “How To Be A Happy Lesbian: A Coming Out Guide” “Coming Out Advice for Lesbian and Bisexual Women" “Relationship Advice for Lesbian and Bisexual Women" “Lesbian Sex Tips: A Guide for Anyone Who Wants To Bring Pleasure to the Woman She (Or He) Loves” “Sex tips para lesbianas/ Sex tips for lesbians" (Spanish Edition) “The Lesbian Big O: Over 100 Sensual Illustrations" Their website, www.AmazingDreamsPublishing.com, provides more than 1,500 free community services for lesbian and bisexual women worldwide. . Contact
Tracey and Kathy at www.amazingdreamspublishing.com/contact.html NOTE: The advice in this column is the opinion of the writers and is not intended as a substitute for medical or psychological treatment from a health care professional.
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