Lezzies Advice Column 8
for Lesbians On The Loose
Online Magazine in Australia:
Question: I met a woman online,
but I am scared to meet her. Any advice?
I am new to Internet dating but I am so shy I have turned to it
because I am no good at interaction face to face as a single person in bars, etc.
I have met a woman online and we have been IM chatting and sending pics ... it's
been going really well so far - we have lots in common. It's been two weeks and
she wants to meet. This means a long commute for me and I am nervous, kind of
wanting things to stay as they are, at a distance. Why am I nervous, and how can
I beat my shyness to make an impression in person? I recently came out of a long
term relationship and since I was the one who was left, don't have a huge amount
of esteem right now.
I can empathize with what you are going through. I know this isnt
easy for you concerning your shyness and the loss of self-esteem. First, lets
answer your questions, and then we will address the things you dont ask,
or may not have thought about.
You probably answered your own question
of why am I nervous? when you said you that you are new to the Internet,
shy, and dont feel you are good at interactions that are face-to-face--especially
at bars. Its also a long commute, you are dealing with low self-esteem,
and you are recently out of a long- term relationship.
How can you beat
your shyness? There are several things, such as working on facing your fears,
and going forward by pushing your boundaries a little at a time. Its also
a good thing to start reminding yourself of the things that tell you that your
negative thoughts are untrue. You can do this by replacing the negative thoughts
that come into your head by countering each negative with three positive thoughts.
An example of a negative thought would be something like: Im
too shy to go meet this person. The three positive thoughts could be something
like: Ive met so-n-so in a similar situation, and it turned out fine.
I may be uncomfortable but I can get past this because I made it through
This is easier than when blankity-blank happened.
a technique you can use called Emotional Freedom Technique, or EFT, to help you
dispel the shyness and low-esteem. You can download the basic technique for free
from the World Center for EFT-- http://www.emofree.com. This will give you a do-it-yourself
method that will walk you through the how-to of this technique. The other nice
thing about this site is that you can sign up for the newsletter, and then have
access to search the archives, so that you can look up specific issues, and see
how therapists have used this technique to get someone through a specific issue.
Always remember when using this technique that it may not work for everyone,
but it does work more often than not. If it doesnt work for you, then it
may be because you havent found the right way to approach the issue yet.
An example of this is a woman I counseled who was terrified to go to court for
a drunk driving charge. We found that her current fears didnt get dealt
with through EFT, because there was an issue further back. We had to go back to
that incident, and have her deal with the issue that was actually causing the
fear. She didnt realize where her present fear was coming from until I asked
her if she had ever been in court before. I knew to dig a bit deeper, because
her present fears were out of proportion to her current situation.
for some reason, this technique doesnt work for you, then its back
to the old fashioned way of walking through the fears that are holding
you back. You may want to consider finding social groups to get involved with,
like hobby groups, art classes, a debate group or a group like Toastmasters International
to help you learn to push your boundaries. These could also be outlets that help
you meet someone without the pressure of it being a dating type of situation.
Now to the things you havent or may not have thought to ask: How long
has it been since the break-up?
It may be that it is too soon after the
relationship for you to begin dating again. You may need time to let your heart
and soul heal before moving forward with a new venture of the heart. If we havent
dealt with the issues from our last relationship, we tend to drag them into the
new one. Therapy or a relationship support group can help with this, as well as
the shyness, if you feel it is getting in the way of the life you would like.
Is Internet dating safe?
I dont know about your part of the world,
but in the US there is always the potential for the Internet dating scene to not
be what we think it is. People often misrepresent themselves, either intentionally
or unintentionally. Always assure that you meet in public for the first few visits,
and always let someone know where you are going and how long you will be gone.
Give that person the contact information, including address and phone number of
the person you are planning to meet in case something happens to you. You may
even want to have the person you are meeting fax you a copy of her drivers
license to verify the information you are given.
The majority of long-distance
relationships do not work out. Unless you have the ability to live day-by-day
with someone for months or a year, you do not truly know about the person you
are dating. How someone is on short visits, when having a long-distance
relationship, doesnt mean that this is how she really is.
relationship that I have seen work long distance is where a woman I know from
Australia and one from the US met on-line. The woman from Australiawas able to
come to the US and visit for months at a time. They eventually moved the woman
from the US to Australia, and they have been together for several years now.
You wont know if you are really a match until you can spend a lot of
quality time together. That doesnt mean you shouldnt take a chance.
You didnt say how far from you she lives. If it is so far that you cant
see each other except for train, bus, long distance car rides, or taking a plane,
then you may want to be more careful with your heart and take it very slow while
spending as much time as possible together. Anyone can lead you to believe that
she is wonderful, but daily life over the long-run is the only way that will truly
tell you if the woman you are dating is truly how she seems to be in her email
or phone conversations.
Another problem is one that women, especially
lesbians, tend to make. Many of us put so much pressure on ourselves to be in
a relationship, that we look at each new person as a potential life-partner. This
puts more pressure on us, as individuals, to make this new friendship into something
that it may not be capable of being.
The reality is that no matter how
long we may have been having a long-distance correspondence, when we first meet
a woman face-to-face we really are not in a full-blown relationship; we are in
the stage of getting to know each other. Dont put pressure on yourself by
believing that any new woman in your life you may be interested in has to be something
other than a friendship. Look at it as an opportunity to get to know the other
person. Many of the best long-term relationships started out as friends first,
and this will take the pressure off of you.
The advice in this column is the opinion of the writers and is not intended
substitute for medical or psychological treatment from a health care
LOTL Article Next
us spread the word
about what we are doing
for our community: