started thinking of things Ive done recently that pertained to the sometimes
touchy subject of talking about sex with a partner. What popped into my mind is
the work Ive been doing for one of my clients. Along with being a wild lesbian
writer, who strives to help women worldwide have a better sex life, I also build
online businesses and one of my largest clients owns the Bi Men Network.
Article appeared in LesbianNation Magazine
Saying what you want,
leads to getting what you need
Yeah, I know what some of you may be thinkingabout the same thing my friends
think when they get halfway into my office then stop dead in their tracks with
their mouths hanging open, totally in shock at the image of a man in all his naked,
hard-on glory, fully exposed on my computer monitor: Tracey! What THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING?
To which I calmly explain that with many of our
LGBT bookstores sadly going the way of the dinosaurs, this lesbian needs to make
some money. Besides, who better to do this kind of work? Looking at naked men
all day does absolutely nothing for me!
Lately Ive been typesetting
stories BI and gay men have written about their sexual escapades. Talk about eye
opening! These guys are so up front with their sexuality and their no-holds-barred
way they go at it that it makes me wonder why any man would ever be totally straight!
Reading these stories made me think about the differences between men and women
as far as sexuality is concerned. The biggest difference I noticed is that many
men see sex as a purely recreational activity, kind of like playing a great game
of basketball, and many women see sex as a magical merging of the souls.
I started wondering if maybe these basic differences in how women perceive sex
may be the key to why so many of us have problems saying what we really want.
If you were playing basketball, you sure wouldnt beat around the bush if
you had an opening to make a basket, right? Youd be pretty direct and yell
something like Here Sally! Im open!
Sally would hopefully
hear you, pass the ball and youd make a damn good effort to score some points
without dribbling senselessly all over the court.
Well, satisfying sex
is kind of like the thrill of slam-dunking the ball right into that basket. Just
like basketball, communication is a great thing to have to make sure that your
team, you and your partner, are both happy winners, and you sure dont want
to dribble senselessly all over the courtAKA: your partners body,
unless of course, shes really into spit lubrication!
said, Im going to turn this over to Kathy, whom I call The Goddess of Communication,
in hopes that if you ever have problems during your game, this pep talk will help
you score the best points ever!
When I think about sexual communication,
I always remember a Farside cartoon I saw a few years back. Its the one
where the first panel shows a man shaking his finger at his dog, and the caption
says something like, What We Say: Bad Dog, Ginger! Bad dog for getting in
the garbage! The second panel is titled What Dogs Hear and you
see Ginger sitting there with a puzzled look trying to understand, Blah,
blah, Ginger! Blah blah blah!
Now think about your sex life. What
you do heavy breathing, a low moan, a heavy and loud moan, and perhaps some
ohhhhs and ahhhhhhs.
What you are thinkingThats pretty good.
OK, Yeah... Ill do a low moan to let her know shes close to the spot.
Oh, crap! Shes moved from there too soon. Now she is totally off the mark!
OK, Ill shift my hips so she hits the spot... Thats it! Thats
where she needs to be so Ill moan louder...
Sound familiar? From
all the messages we get in novels and movies, most of us think that lovemaking
is instinctual and that we are supposed to read our partners mind and know
exactly where to put our hand or mouth, when to do it, how hard and fast, or slow
Life would be wonderful if it worked like a movie or book
but most of us dont get to the point that we read each others minds
until weve been together so long we start finishing each others sentences.
Even then its a hit or miss proposition. Its not really romantic to
say this but in order to get what you want in bed you are going to have to say
what you need.
Most of us give up a full sex life by relying on moans
and groans to tell our partner what to do. Problem is, what if our partner is
so into what she is doing to us that she doesnt even hear our cues? Wouldnt
it be better if we just said what we needed instead of relying on the sounds that
may go unnoticed in the heat of the moment? Good sex means getting verbal.
To start out, both partners need to make a list that includes the following:
what you like and dont like; what you are willing to experiment with or
not willing to experiment with; and areas you are willing to compromise on. Your
list probably wont cover everything and as you talk about what each partner
has written you may think of things to change or add to your list.
next step is to schedule a time to talk about what is on your list. So how do
you go about saying what you want or dont want without hurting someones
feelings? The best thing to do is to just have an honest discussion with your
partner about what you like, what you dont like, and what your turn-ons
and turn-offs are. Its best to have this talk outside of the bedroom and
at a time when a hot roll in the sack isnt your goal. The reason to have
this conversation outside of the bedroom is because if you get into a disagreement
of some type you dont want to associate the bedroom with fighting. It can
also be uncomfortable to have this type of discussion, so its better not
to put that energy into your bedroom.
Never agree to do something that
you are scared of or uncomfortable with. For example, your partner wants to try
tying you to the bed post. You arent sure if you will like this but you
are willing to experiment. The first thing to do is to talk about what will happen
ahead of time. Be precise and explicit in these talks and set up a safety word
some word you can say that will tell your partner to stop doing what she is doing
right away. This word should be something that you both agree to use and the word
should have nothing to do with what activity you are doing. You dont want
your safety word to be anything that could be confused with you giving directions.
Examples might be ketchup, football, or Yo-Yo. When you are trying out your new
sex activities and you decide you are willing to push the boundaries, then also
have a word that lets your partner know this too. Always respect each others boundaries.
If you dont, it could lead to breaking trust.
had The Talk, you are finally ready to go off to the bedroom or some
other exciting place. Remember the original scene. Heavy breathing means, Im
turned on. Low moans mean You are getting warmer, and heavy
moans mean You are right on target!
Now imagine that scene
differently. Youve had your talk and you are in bed and she is doing all
the right things but just not in quite the way you need. Do you go back to your
original language of heavy breathing, low and heavy moans? You could do that and
get really frustrated, or you could go for the gold. Let your partner know that
what she is doing is good, but if she would just go to the left a little more,
up a little higher - Oh, yeah! Thats the spot! Or if she is going down on
you and you just arent into the tongue twirling that night, gently let her
know by saying something like: Thats nice, but tonight I need to feel
you inside me. I will have an awesome orgasm if you go for the G-spot.
The fingers and tongue of all this is really about communication and taking
control of what you need. Not being shy about sex and taking an active hand in
your orgasms is the way to a happier sex life and you may need to have several
talks to clarify things that come up in the sack. Think of your talks as creating
a recipe and having to refine it as you try different versions. Sometimes you
may want more hot pepper, and sometimes you may not. Talking can clear up a lot
of things. Guessing can cause confusion. Take an active part in your own sexual
fulfillment. Talk clearly, concisely, and honestly with your partner. Your orgasm
will thank you!
NOTE: The advice in this column is the opinion of the writers and is not intended
substitute for medical or psychological treatment from a health care
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